Comebacks
by SporksN'Knives
Summary: Snow was convinced he had a comeback for everything. Leave it to Lightning to demonstrate how wrong he really was.
1. Chapter 1

**Ali Hillis is officially my favorite voice actor now. I was inspired to write this after I watched this video... **

** /watch?v=waKe-AK628w**

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The air was heavy in the Farron house one hot Tuesday evening in New Bodhum. The eldest Farron daughter, Lightning, she called herself, stood leaned against a countertop while her sister's fiance sat on her granite countertop with a glass in his hand, swirling his brandy around.

They'd sat in the same spots in Lightning's kitchen for at least two hours after Lightning had caught Serah and Snow about to go at it. She might have finally accepted their engagement, but she would never approve of Serah getting pregnant before her wedding.

Over the hours, Lightning and Snow had fought about morals, then about common sense, then Lightning's apparent sexual deprivation, then about the very real possibility of Snow's guaranteed emasculation if ever tried something like that again under her roof before both fell silent.

"You ready to swear that you're gonna get a little smarter?" Lightning snarled after a while. A glass matching Snow's sat beside her mostly empty. She picked it up and took a swig of its contents while waiting for a reply.

Snow was silent for a moment, swirling his drink around in his glass.

"Hey, Light?" he asked in his cheekiest voice.

Light groaned, knowing she probably wasn't going to get her answer. "What, Snow?"

The glass clinked as Snow set it on the countertop.

"Go screw yourself," he said under his breath.

Lightning looked up at him, her glare well more than enough to cut diamond. _You did not._

She took a step closer to him. "I'm sorry," she said almost sweetly, stepping even closer. "but I didn't quite hear that. You wanna say it a little louder?" By this point, she was very much in his face.

Snow shuddered, avoiding eye contact. "No, not really. You kinda scare me a little bit –"

"'Cause I've got this _gunblade_ right here…" Lightning continued, pulling said weapon from its sheath.

"I…I can see that, a-and…"

"And it's a lot _BIGGER_ than any blade _you've _ got," she finished venomously.

Snow's eyes, though slightly glazed from the alcohol, widened in disbelief. Just one more thing Lightning trumped him with. His manhood.

"Wanna bet?" he growled.

"Not particularly," Light sighed, returning her gunblade to its case. "I like a challenge. You, sir, fail to provide one."

Snow left soon after this.

He never was good with comebacks.

At three in the morning that same night, he showed up at Lightning's doorstep. When a half-asleep Lightning Farron showed up at the door in her pajamas, he laughed.

"That's not what your sister said!"

Snow spent the night on his fiance's front sidewalk unconscious while Lightning nursed a few broken knuckles.


	2. Comebacks, Version 2

**Someone left a comment on this on deviantART and their comments/suggestions were positively GOLDEN. So I had to rewrite it. I just couldn't resist. XD**

**I present to you Comebacks V2.0. **

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****The air was sweltering and humid one summer evening in New Bodhum. The majority of the city's population had retreated to their homes, only to find that air conditioners left on their highest settings did little to alleviate the heat.

The ocean breeze whispered through the curtains over the open windows in the Farron house, the warm, salty aroma of the sea water drifting throughout all its various rooms; namely the kitchen, where the eldest Farron daughter stood at the sink with her palms resting on either side of the stainless steel basin, the breeze rustling through her hair. Her fingernails clicked against the granite as she drummed her fingers, anger tweaking one of her eyebrows. She sighed and ran a hand through her rose silken locks, reaching for the half-empty glass of brandy sitting next to the dish drainer. She took a mouthful of the alcohol and turned to face the man seated on the island with his own glass. He refused to look up at Lightning, and instead focused his attentions on swirling his drink.

"What the hell made you think that any of this was a good idea, Snow?" she asked, voice dripping with anger. Snow shifted his vision to the tile floor.

"It's not like you never had your suspicions," he muttered. Lightning bristled.

"So what, are you saying you've actually slept with Serah before?" she growled, stepping closer. Snow leaned back.

"What does it matter?"

"She's my sister, you idiot!" Lightning shouted. "Just because I finally accepted your relationship with her doesn't give you the right to start shamelessly screwing her!"

"What's the matter? You jealous or something?"

Lightning flushed in anger. "Why would I be? I can only imagine the trouble I'd have if I had to be your babysitter girlfriend."

"And it's not troublesome to be Hope's babysitter girlfriend?"

Lightning's eyes widened before she could do anything to stop it, bringing a smirk to Snow's face. She crossed her arms, regaining the angry demeanor Snow had just interrupted.

"What are you even talking about?"

Snow threw his head back and laughed. "Oh, quit playing dumb, Lightning. Serah's told me about all the times you've snuck out of the house after dar - "

"Oh please, Snow. I'm twenty-two. I don't sneak out – especially not from my own house."

"Serah's told me about all the times you've left the house after dark, then."

Lightning's blush refused to fade after it appeared. "Grocery shopping is easier to get done after dark."

"Uh-huh. Sure. And you go grocery shopping with Hope all the time?"

Lightning's blush deepened. "What are you getting at?"

"OKAY. It's not exactly a secret that you and Hope have something going on. I mean, what's this?" he asked, jumping down from the counter and gesturing at a handful of faded marks on the nape of Lightning's neck. She swatted his hand away.

"What I do in my time off has nothing to do with you doing my sister," she snarled. "I was fine with you getting married – not with finding you about to engage in premarital sex in my living room."

"It wasn't the living room."

"IT WAS THE HALLWAY IN THE LIVING ROOM."

"We were on our way to Serah's room."

"And that makes it so much better," Lightning shot back. "The point is that you had the gall to think you could get away with something like this in MY house, with MY sister!"

"Damn, you need to get laid one of these days," Snow grumbled, jumping back up onto the counter.

"Why's that? You already think Hope's doing me."

"No, I think you're doing him," Snow replied.

"I could be a cougar in the making, but I'm not a rapist, you idiot."

"Difference being?"

Without a second's hesitation, Lightning's fist met Snow's cheek, sending the blond off-balance and flat on his back on the countertop. He groaned and touched the bruising half of his face.

"Try it again, and you'll be losing something very dear to you, Snow."

Snow's face half-scrunched in confusion. "What…?"

"You were gonna try getting it wet tonight." Lightning told him bluntly.

Realization dawned on him all at once, and he winced. "That's cruel for something so instinctive, sis."

"For the last time, I'm not your goddamn sister. Secondly, even instincts can be controlled." A dark smirk flashed across her face. "For instance, I'm controlling the instinct to beat the hell out of you."

They sat in silence for a long time following this, both staring down at their half-empty brandy glasses.

"So are you ready to swear to me what you're not gonna try something like this again?" Lightning snarled after a while. She took a drink of her brandy while waiting for an answer. Snow as silent for a few minutes before looking up.

"Hey. Light?" he asked almost cheekily. Lightning rolled her eyes and sighed.

"What Snow?" she knew this wasn't her answer.

"Go screw yourself," Snow murmured under his breath. Lightning looked up in angered disbelief. He. Did. Not.

"I'm sorry," she replied, her voice bordering on sweet while she stepped closer to him. "But I didn't quite catch that. You wanna say it a little louder?"

Snow swallowed when he looked up and caught the intensity in her eyes. "Not really…'cause you kinda scare me a little bit – "

"'Cause I've got this gunblade right here," Lightning began, pulling said weapon from the sheath hanging behind her legs.

"I – I can see that, and – "

"And it's a _LOT BIGGER_ than any blade that _you've _got," she finished venomously.

When it came to Snow, Lightning had a tendency to hit below the belt, despite not usually being one to play dirty. Snow's eyes widened as he made the connections and realized that she'd just successfully questioned his prided masculinity.

"Wanna bet?" he snarled, defending himself. Lightning shook her head.

"I like a challenge. You have always failed to provide one, and I doubt you'd present one to any girl." she replied, sheathing her gunblade. She picked up her glass while Snow's mouth gaped all over again. "You can see yourself out," she called over her shoulder as she left the kitchen.

Snow _did _leave due to his inability to come up with a comeback. However, at 3 AM that same day, Snow showed up on Lightning's doorstep with one. When his future sister-in-law showed up at the door in her pajamas – and with fresh hickeys on her neck, Snow noted – he laughed.

"That's not what your sister said!"

_CRUNCH. SLAM. _

"26, 27…28 days…I was right…" Snow whispered while lying on his back on the sidewalk, his mouth bloody, while Lightning sat in bed with Hope for the rest of the night nursing her broken knuckles with an almost childish kind of satisfaction.


End file.
